I recently discovered that our friend in California has spent his entire fatherhood quizzing his children on mascot names. Whereas most parents make sure their kids know their multiplication tables and spelling words, John also made sure they knew their college mascot trivia. I found this bizarre, and then—the more they shared at the dinner table—I found it fascinatingly hilarious!
Mascots, one would imagine, are supposed to be intimidating. As a Hector “Bulldog,” I often wondered why that animal was chosen to represent us. Far from regal, I pictured bulldogs with short legs, wide-set eyes, and a protruding underbite. The torso might have fit for Olympic weightlifters, but not a bunch of lanky kids with pretty-enough faces.
None the less, I reasoned that maybe some people were afraid of drooping lips, thick folds of skin under the neck, and too much gas. Uh, oh; that sounds like a look in the mirror.
It appears that mascots are not always picked for their intimidation factor. Listening to our friends’ conversation, I recognized some silly team names like the University of Oregon “Ducks” (whose costumed mascot is named “Puddles”), the U of Louisiana at Lafayette “Ragin’ Cajuns” (who wears a chili pepper suit), the U of Delaware’s “Blue Hens,” and Texas Christian U’s “Horned Toads.”
By the end of the conversation, I realized that being the “Bulldogs” was an honor compared to the Laurel Hill “Hoboes.” I tried to visualize the wrestling uniforms for the Poca “Dots,” the Hickman “Kewpies,” and the Blooming Prairie “Awesome Blossoms.” None of them were fierce.
Even when it came to some animal mascots, I couldn’t help but wonder…huh? I wouldn’t worry too much about meeting the Fisher “Bunnies” in the alley, if you know what I mean. I also pondered how a university in Ohio came up with Pete and Penny, two Emperor penguins dressed in stocking caps and scarves. It’s not like they look out the window and see penguins every day. The same could be said for the U of Irvine “Anteaters,” Akron U’s “Zippy the Kangaroo,” and Pittsburg State U’s “Gorillas.”
My son and I were talking about his high school mascot, the “Lambkins.” I reassured him that it would be worse to have the “Banana Slugs” like the University of CA-Santa Cruz. At least a lambkin is cute and can move an inch in less than 6 hours.
We used to sing, “We are the Bulldogs, the mighty mighty Bulldogs…” on the game buses. This simply would not work for Banana Slugs.
Speaking of another slow, bizarre mascot, Evergreen State in Washington has the “Geoduck” (pronounced goo-ee-duck.) No, this is not a type of water bird. It’s a large saltwater clam with a siphon that can be more than 3 feet long. Believe me when I say the mascot costume looks like an old sci-fi TV show gone wrong.
At least Bulldogs can put up a fight and go on the rivals’ fire hydrant.
One of my son’s high school counselors attended school in New Berlin, IL. With the mascot as the “Pretzels,” she claims the favorite slogan was, “You can eat us, but you can’t defeat us.”
Before that conversation, I didn’t realize how many mascots belong in the kitchen. There’s the Fighting Artichokes of Scottsdale Community College, the Fighting Pickles of U of NC School of Arts, and the Fighting Okra of Delta State U. Unlike the Frankfort, Indiana “Hotdogs”, at least the veggies attempt to sound tough by adding “Fighting” to their names.
I was also amazed to learn that California has a Minor League baseball team called the Modesto Nuts. “Go Nuts!” is so original. They probably dread the heckling when having to play teams with names like the “Fighting Squirrels” of Mary Baldwin College.
When I heard about a Minor League hockey team called the Macon Whoopee, I envisioned the mascot wearing an oversized whoopee cushion. I was actually disappointed to find out it was a crane.
After compiling and learning the names of many mascots (John would be proud), I have begun to wonder why more teams don’t make names that the Average Joe fears or at least doesn’t want to deal with. You know, the practical intimidation of sorts. Here are some examples and a cheer for the pep squad:
Raging Hormones… “We’ll mess with your minds!”
Dirty Syringes… “Our sting is infectious!”
Horse Flies… “We’re out for blood. No pain, no gain!”
Rabid Mutts… “We’ll leave you foaming at the mouth.”
The DMVs… “We’ll make you stand in line!”
Your Mother’s Disapproval…“You’ll feel even worse when we’re through with you!”
The Enclosed Spaces…“We’ll bury you alive!”
Then there would be mascot names that would terrify in and of themselves: the Trump Comb-Overs, the Paper Cuts, the Pink Eyes, the White Socks with Sandals, the Pop Quizzes, or the Hairy Spiders.
